Donkey Kong goes to Anger Management

Counselor: Do you know why you’re here, Mr. Kong?

DK: Yes. I have a problem with my temper.

Counselor: Yes, that’s right. Do you know why you have a problem with your temper?

DK: As I told the judge, my lawyer, and everyone else, no.

Counselor: Why is it that you get so angry?

DK: I don’t get so angry. I just, I don’t know. I need to protect the princess.

Counselor: Protect her from what?

DK: From that oily fuck Mario, climbing up the ladders. I can’t let him have her. They’ll just have oily babies-

Counselor: Language, Mr. Kong. What did Mario do that upset you so much?

DK: (mumbling) Dodges all my barrels…

Counselor: What?

DK: Nothing. Look, Doc, I don’t know why. I just really don’t like him. And I hate the princess, too. It’s just with her I need to keep her away from him. Ordinarily, I’d just eat the princess and then just rip Mario into shreds, but something about her, I don’t know. It just makes me want to…to just…

Counselor: Be a better gorilla?

DK: Maybe? I just feel like, when she’s around, suddenly, I just want to throw barrels at people, over and over, and over, until they rotate 360 degrees and the game over music plays in my head-

Counselor: You hear music? Jesus. Well let’s save that for next time. Go on.


DK: All I know is that when I have her captive, I don’t want to bite her in half. And that’s a big change, Doc. A big change.

Counselor: What first drew you to barrels?


DK: Symmetry, I suppose. Seemed like a useful tool. They roll at various speeds down slight inclines. And they’re fun to throw. Sometimes they hit this can of oil I’ve stashed at the bottom of the planes and they catch on fire. That’s pretty cool.

Counselor: Why not land mines? Aren’t land mines fun to throw?

DK: That’s a little twisted, Doc.

Counselor: My point exactly. Maybe if you really wanted to kill Mario, you would’ve chosen something else to throw, something lethal, and effective.

DK: No. That’s not true.

Counselor: I think you’re missing the point. You’re such a lethal killing machine, Mr. Kong, and yet you can’t kill one oily little plumber. Sounds to me like someone’s in denial.

DK: What do you know about it? How many princesses have you ever kidnapped?

Counselor: I don’t need to kidnap any princesses to know a lying gorilla when I see one. The reason you’ve been half-assing your attempts to kill Mario are pretty obvious, Mr. Kong.

DK: I don’t have to take this from you.


Counselor: Oh come on! You can’t see it? You’re afraid.

DK: Screw this. I knew this was a bad idea. (gets up)

Counselor: Mr. Kong, you have been ordered by the State to attend these meetings.

DK: You’re a quack. Get lost. (starts to leave)

Counselor: Help me help y- (cut off by a barrel rolling into the office. It stops just short of the doctor. On the barrel is a picture of a middle finger) Oh very clever, Mr. Kong. But you have years of emotional repression in there waiting to come out! All those metaphorical ladders your enemies keep climbing! How high can you get, Mr. Kong! HOW HIGH CAN YOU GET?!

By Michael J. Weingarth

Daybreak Counseling Service
http://www.daybreakservices.com/games/lava/index.html
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http://myspace.com/angermanagementeacher
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